Falling & Uprising Page 8

  “I thought you didn’t want—”

  “I changed my mind! Is Parisa still dangerously close to him?”

  “He just stepped away from her.”

  My martini appears, and I remove the skewered olives before taking a sip. “I’m losing him.”

  “Is that your boyfriend?”

  I nod into my drink. “I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length. I don’t know how to be with him now.”

  “It’s not easy. I broke up with my girlfriend shortly after…” After the city’s façade was shattered for him.

  A song I’ve always found to be a bit haunting plays in my mind as I tap the notes on my arm. I shouldn’t have to lose everything. Everyone is going to learn of all this eventually—that’s what Bram said. Why should I wait and let my relationship shrivel up and die? I want what Jase has, to be on the same team as someone I love.

  ***

  At least in Sophos’ office, I can be honest. Not having to play nice is a novelty.

  “He got called away,” Bram says when I enter the office for my Friday mentor meeting.

  “Okay.” I sink into a chair and pull a holo up from my cuff, scrolling through mindless gossip. Pictures from last weekend’s film awards still clutter the buzzChains. I glance at the headlines when I see my own face peppered through, but don’t dive in to read everything.

  I used to search for myself every night to read every word ever written about me. Every comment, every judgment, every speculation. My reputation governed my behavior. If people thought I dressed too conservatively, I’d start wearing things that were a little racier. When comments said my outfits were too revealing, I’d shift the other direction. Once a picture of me with a guy from school got people talking, so I made it a point to be seen with Adwin’s arm around me—looking stylish but not slutty, of course. I’ve been called ‘too perfect,’ and gone to a club the next weekend to combat it. I’ve been called ‘wild,’ and taken a child to a park.

  Being perfect was a compulsion. Being loved was my driving force. Except I’m not loved. Not as a person. I’m loved like a painting—something pretty to look at, my worth determined by how interesting I am to other people. Fortunately, as the daughter of Grace and Anton Ward, I’m quite interesting.

  “I thought your work wardrobe was showy, but apparently you save the really obnoxious stuff for the weekends.” Bram’s voice is like an anchor, sinking me into my obsession with everyone’s opinions.

  “My job is to maintain my appearance. I already know I’m useless, Bram. Don’t waste your breath.”

  “I’m not going to join your pity party.”

  “Of course not. You’re already engaged to be at your own.”

  Fire dances in his eyes. “Some people have real problems, pup.”

  My pulse pounds in my ears, but the door opens before I can reply.

  “I’m sorry I’m late,” Sophos says. He looks back and forth between Bram and me. Is there actual smoke rolling off us? “Everything all right?”

  “Fine,” Bram and I say in unison.

  I was mistaken. There is a different act to put on here.

  Chapter Fourteen

  BRAM

  The door closes, leaving Sophos and me alone in his office. “Bram, it’s been almost four months. Would it kill you to be a little amiable?”

  Maybe. “Is she worth the effort?”

  “Yes. We need her.”

  The thought burns me up. I refuse to need anyone like Serenity Ward. Ever. This idiotic city can think she’s important, obsess over her current hair color and the endless string of new clothing she parades around in, but she’s not important to me. It’s complete bullshit that she’s put on a pedestal for no reason at all, while my brother is as expendable as the livestock in Eudora.

  “Yeah, clearly we really need her. All she’s done is stop in to tell us she’s gotten absolutely nowhere.”

  “It would be impossible for her to get into anything this quickly. You don’t hate me for the years we’ve been so slowly moving toward the uprising.”

  “I don’t hate her either.”

  “Then stop acting like you do. She’s isolated enough. Your hostility could drive her to confide in her parents, and I cannot have that.”

  Words I never thought I’d say pass my lips. “Couldn’t it be worth it to try to get the Wards on board?”

  Not that I want to depend on any more damned socialites, but Serenity got her altruism somewhere, and if it goes south, we can erase their memory anyway. She had a point, too. Her father’s new position on the council could make him helpful.

  “No,” Sophos says. “That is not an option.”

  I don’t care enough to argue for it, but I’m not sure why he’s shutting the idea down so firmly. Maybe he knows them well enough to know they wouldn’t go for it.

  “Fine. Can we get back to what it is you want from me?”

  “Be nice.” I arch an eyebrow his way, and he groans. “At least don’t be hostile. Be neutral.”

  “Devoid of emotion or thought? Yeah, I can do that.”

  “Bram…”

  “No, really. It’s fine.” I can suck it up for a few hours a week.

  ***

  A week later, Sophos gets called away while Serenity is here for her check-in meeting. He might be faking it to give me an opportunity to smooth things over with her. Thanks for that.

  She opens a couple of holoScreens and studies them intently.

  “Everyone saying nice things about you?” I ask.

  She presses her eyes closed and focuses back on the screens when she says, “I do not spend all of my time reading about myself.”

  “I didn’t mean any offense by it.” That’s almost true. Her eyes meet mine now in a skeptical look. “Can’t I just speak to you?”

  “Can you?”

  Ugh. She isn’t going to make this easy on me. “Listen, for almost five years, I’ve carried a bitter rage toward Kaycians. Just like the rest of them, you came in here caring about nothing but your perfect little world and your perfect looks, and believing wholeheartedly in the wonderful Establishment.”

  “That wasn’t my fault.” She articulates each word with slow purpose before more pour out. “I have been deceived my whole life. Everything I knew was a lie. I’m a victim too. I know it isn’t as bad as being on the islands’ end of the lie, but it’s still true. Maybe no problem I’ve ever had is as bad as the problems other people have, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be upset about them!”

  Admittedly, Kaycians’ problems tend to remind me of a kid dropping a lollypop and crying about it.

  “I was never your enemy,” she continues. “Kaycians aren’t your enemies.”

  “I know it’s not your fault. It’s just that I spend all of my time having to pretend to be something else and not being able to show how pissed off I am about all of it. You’re one of the only Kaycians I don’t have to act for, so you get all of the pent up shit.” Unfortunately for her, there’s a lot of extra shit this year. I take a breath and force the words out. “I’m sorry for that.”

  Her expression softens. “I’m… angry too. I don’t have anyone to take it out on, either. All I can do is distract myself by trying to do something about it.”

  “There isn’t much I can do at this point.”

  “Same for me. I’m spinning my wheels, checking up on every building in the city to look for something that doesn’t belong. It’s probably pointless, but it’s all I can do right now to at least try to feel productive.”

  Oh, that’s what she’s doing. That does sound kind of dumb, but since she knows that, and I’m trying to play nice, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. The idea of her doing stupid busywork to get past anger is interesting, though. As much as I’ve enjoyed riling her up, she has mostly kept her emotions in check. Maybe that’s why I’ve never understood what the hell she’s doing here.

  “What are you angry about?”

  “Everything,” she says. �
�Obviously,’ is implied. “The Establishment controlling and isolating us, the horrible imbalance between us.”

  “Okay, that’s great. But what’s in it for you?”

  “Why does there have to be something in it for me?”

  “Because you’re human.” Despite your apparent perfection.

  Her fingers weave through the now turquoise ends of her hair as she thinks about it or decides what she’s willing to tell me. “You’ve had to pretend to be a different person—or not a person—for five years. It’s horrible, and I don’t know how you’ve managed, but at least you knew the act was an act. I’ve been doing it my entire life, only I thought that was who I really was. I know they do it far worse to so many people, but the Establishment stripped me of my identity before I even knew what it was.”

  Sophos’ whole ‘giving her an opportunity for introspection’ thing seems less ridiculous now. “Well, better late than never, right?”

  “I suppose so.” Her chin drops, and she looks at me through her eyelashes. “Did Sophos tell you to be nice to me?”

  “Yep.”

  “That figures.” She looks amused, not offended.

  I smirk. “He only told me I had to be neutral. Not that I had to have a real conversation with you.”

  “Oh, so this is just you?” She grins when I nod. “Well, better late than never.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  SERENITY

  The discarded dress pile has overtaken my bed. Every fabric and color ever cherished by a designer lay in a heap. I guess I’m settled on this one. The asymmetric deep turquoise bodice giving way to a full skirt that shifts to gold glitter at the bottom is marvelous. Yes, I have to go with a color palette that puts me in gold jewelry. This way, I can wear the necklace Adwin gave me for Christmas. The choker looks like an inverted crown with its delicate gold leaves suspended from three rows of gold beads.

  The symphony’s spring gala has always been a spectacle for our family. This year, more than ever, I want to get lost in thinking the event is the most significant thing in the world. I deserve a break from harsh reality.

  “Bye, Snowflake.” I pat her head on my way out. I’m still surprised it exists, but honestly, she’s been so relaxed since I took her for acupuncture.

  Downstairs, I sip fortified wine to soothe my nerves while I wait for Adwin. My father joins me in the living room and takes a seat next to me on the sofa.

  “You are a vision, Serenity.”

  “Thank you, Papá. You look very handsome. I assume Mamá selected your plum accessories to match her new highlights?”

  “Doesn’t she always?” He smiles as he straightens his already-perfect bowtie. “How are things going in City Planning? Are you learning a lot?”

  “Oh, I certainly am.” Not lying is refreshing. I’m mastering the art of telling the truth wherever I can while still maintaining my secrets.

  “I’m glad to hear it. Even though every track is admirable and placement put you where you can do the most good, seeing you in a gown like this still makes me wish, just a bit, that you were in performing arts like the rest of us.”

  I take a sip and smile. If only he knew how much performing I do.

  The door chimes, and my father’s guard goes to open it. I stand up for a last glance in a mirror off of the living room. I’m not quick enough, so Adwin walks in as I’m checking my makeup.

  “You look perfect, as usual,” he says, approaching me.

  “Why, thank you.” I give him a soft kiss.

  He releases me with a smile and continues into the living room to greet my father. “Good to see you, Anton.”

  “Always a pleasure. Would you like a drink while we wait for Grace?”

  “There will be no waiting for Grace.” My mother bustles down the stairs. “We’re leaving.” Her black ballgown covered in silver roses gives her the appearance of floating in on a cloud. She looks every bit the leading lady she is.

  Adwin and my mother kiss each other’s cheeks as he compliments her. The four of us define perfection and opulence. But I don’t feel a part of it anymore; I’m a fraud observing their world from my dark, lonely one. Bram’s bitterness toward us all is understandable. Knowing what I know makes them look petty and frivolous, though the thought shoots guilt through me. It isn’t their fault. I’m ready to end my solitude, though, and for once, I’m in control of the changes coming my way.

  ***

  The city seems to be as eager for change as I am. The thin branches of the redbud trees lining the streets are now bursting with tiny magenta flowers, a rainbow of tulips and bright yellow daffodils bloom, and fountains spray rainbows of water. This spring looks different from every year before, though. Now when I walk through the city, there is a constant mental inventory of marshals running through my head. We’re so well-conditioned to disregard them that I’d never noticed how many there are. In the portrayed fantasy version of our society, what need is there for this much law enforcement? Crime is rare. Disturbances tend to be inebriated people, but they only get herded home. What do the council members need guards for?

  Stop it, stop it, stop it. This isn’t the time to go down that rabbit hole. I still have to float around Wonderland tonight.

  Subdued compared to the film awards, the gala takes place in the elegant hall on the first floor of the Musical Arts Division building. Adwin and I glide over the dance floor like a dream under a sea of flowers hanging from the ceiling. I want to cling to this moment, photograph him in my mind. Will the look in his eyes change after the truth is revealed to him? I’m sure my eyes have changed. I want to remember them this way, filled with happiness.

  We part ways for a while, mingling through the crowd. I spend some time shaking hands at my parents’ sides, floating amongst my friends, and find myself face to face with Jase Delgado… Again.

  “We’re going to have to stop meeting like this. People will start to talk.” I wink at him.

  “Oh, you’re going to need to keep your adoring public for yourself.”

  “Don’t stand too close then.”

  “Fortunately, it looks like you’re staying close to your boyfriend tonight. Things getting easier?”

  “They’re about to.” I put on a nervous smile, watching his face go from confused to worried.

  “You’re not…” I nod. He groans. “Serenity, you can’t just…” He looks around then takes my hand, pulling me to a corner and out of earshot.

  “I was only half kidding about people talking.” This isn’t the ideal place for him to be close enough for me to smell his cologne—nice as the aroma of warm spices may be.

  “I don’t care about that right now. Why are you going to tell your boyfriend?”

  “You said yourself that this is difficult to deal with alone.”

  “You don’t have to be alone. Kris and I keep messaging you. Why don’t you spend time with us?”

  “I don’t want to intrude on you and Krisalyn.”

  “What are you intruding on?”

  I shoot him an incredulous look. “If you aren’t together, you should be. You clearly love each other, and—”

  His laughter cuts me off. “You thought… no. We do love each other. As dear friends. That’s all.”

  “Friends have become more before.”

  “Not likely when the friends are a female and a male who are both attracted to women.”

  My lips part to respond, but snap shut again. My embarrassment warms my cheeks before I let out a small laugh myself. “Well then. I’m an idiot.”

  He doesn’t correct me, just moves on. “Does that help then?”

  “Yes,” I sigh. “I still don’t want to lose Adwin over this, though.”

  Jase rubs his neck and heaves a breath. “I’m not going to talk you out of this, am I?”

  “No.”

  “Do you have that amnesia shot with you?”

  “Yes, but why would I…” Now it’s his turn to give me an incredulous look. “That will not be necessary.”


  “Serenity, there are plenty of people in this city who know everything you know and still perpetuate the system.”

  “Adwin would not be one of them.”

  “If he doesn’t agree with you on changing it, can you do what you’d need to do?”

  Can I drug my boyfriend? Can I erase his memory of the conversation I’ve been rehearsing in my mind? It’s unthinkable, but if I had to… “Yes.”

  “Okay. Let me know if you need help?”

  I nod, my anticipation having turned to dread.

  He seems to debate arguing with me but settles for, “Good luck.”

  “Thanks.”

  He walks away, leaving me with a heavy heart. Maybe this is a terrible idea. What other options do I have, though? Adwin and I can’t stay together like this. It’s this or break up with him without giving him a chance.

  “Here you are,” Adwin says when he finds me. “Are you all right?”

  No. Time to scrape up the pieces of this plan and see what I can manage. “I could use some fresh air.”

  I take his hand, telling him to trust me when I lead him away from the entrance and to the service elevator. Inside, I push the top button. “Papá brought me to the roof here once. There is a beautiful view during the day. I want to see it with the city all lit up.”

  This was all supposed to be very romantic. Jase just had to go and terrify me. And about such a ridiculous thing. I don’t have to worry about Adwin. The vial feels heavy in my pocket. I can’t believe Jase put this idea in my head.

  We walk out onto the roof’s terrace hand in hand. It was a warmer day, but now between the dark and the breeze, it’s cold out. No matter, my adrenaline keeps me warm. We get to the rail and look out over the city and its abrupt end where the lights border the waterline. Several fountains are visible from here—glowing pools rising and falling dramatically. Kaycie looks like a shining beacon of prosperity.

  Between my newfound fear and over-rehearsal, I don’t see how this can sound authentic. My heart hammers against my chest as I take a breath and begin.